Need sex. Gaining weight.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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