you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
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