i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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