you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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