turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
