I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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