Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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