I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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