it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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