Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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