do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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