dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
