how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
