I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
