Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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