Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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