I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
