either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
