just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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