all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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