i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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