I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
