I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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