i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
