perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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