I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
