When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize