hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
