Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
