The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
