WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So vagazzling was a success
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
