I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
