I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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