I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
