You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
tell me about the eggs
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