you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
