don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
