He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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