I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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