The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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