just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
