Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
