Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
