put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
