is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
