My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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