dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
