Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
