ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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