Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
