I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
