Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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