I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i wish my penis had a tongue
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
