If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
How does one acquire holy water?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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