So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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