Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
