About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize