I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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