The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
