I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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