I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
